I need to begin again

I realized something a couple of hours ago. I realized that I don't like the way that I have forgot to be me. And I will say before anyone who reads this starts to read this I do not apologize if anything you read is offensive. I am tired of worrying and censoring who I am.

First off, this isn't anything other than me being able to just vent. It's my blog I think this is the best place to do that.

I was sitting here today stressing out about the key to success. I guess that's what you could call it. I will be the first to admit that I have been chasing down this dream of author glory. I will admit I have always wanted to be the next Nicholas Sparks. I wanted to be loved by all and have people clutching my books to their chest and just loving me because I write such awesome stories. I wanted to roll in dough and appear on the today show.....but you know what?.....I realized one really big thing, that is not who I am. That is not the reason I am doing this.

Honestly I am exhausted trying to chase after blogs and reviews and people to like me. I don't care if everyone likes me as an author. I appreciate more the truly genuine ones that enjoy my work and let me know. I appreciate the ones who hate my work and let me know. I don't want to be like anyone but myself. I'm not looking to write some cute romance novel (unless of course I want to.) I just write what feels good at the time.

I have spent years chasing after what it is I need to do to become successful at this. And you know what? I have had my moments of success, they might not be as big as some people's but who the hell cares it still felt good. I am tired of waking up and spending the entire day trying to climb this huge fucking mountain to nowhere quite honestly when I could be writing.

I love bloggers, I love readers, I love authors. But I'm not the kind of person who wants a set schedule of all this torturous work to do what I love. All I want to do is write. I don't want to break my back in hopes of one day maybe just maybe something will happen. What happened to doing what you love and reaping the rewards of just that?

I have tried and got no where. I have done nothing and got everywhere. And I still don't know the key to my successes or failures. I try to be nice, I try to be honest I try to be so many things when all the while I just need to go back to putting my fingers to the keys and writing.

And while I am here I will be the first one to say my books aren't perfect. And you know what? I don't care, I would care if I didn't try to make them the best they could be. If I just threw some words together and sold them. But that is not what I do, I bust my ass,I bleed on the page, I read over my work, I edit my work, I scour the internet and books to learn as much as I can about making the best product that I can make for the reader. So if the grammar isn't up to standard, well I am sorry, I don't have a gigantic team behind me. I don't have buddies and pals there to lend me a hand. It's just me and my computer and my chaotic crazy house full of kids most day and a husband who stands behind me and tells me I rock no matter what. (Thanks for that, meatloaf)

What I am saying is, if you read my work and it's not to your standard I apologize I really do but I know there are people out there who love me for me. *raises eyebrow* they hug my books to their chest and read them and love them and they contact me and they interact with me and they fucking rock!!

I love all of you willing to take a chance on my work. I don't sit at home at night when I get a bad review and ponder why I do this. I know why, nothing will ever change that. But frankly I am done worrying about the what ifs in my journey. I am going back to the days when I wrote and published and didn't care about all this crud that somehow got in the way of the reason I write. When I didn't care that's when everything worked for me.

As for the people who really do care about my journey I thank you for always being a part of it. I am not trying to disrespect anyone. I simply need to say how I feel before I blow up. You don't understand how light and lifted I feel realizing that I am no longer going to worry about any of this crap.

I am happy for all the other authors out there that have such great success! But honestly I probably will never be in your position and I am okay with that. Whatever is in the cards for me I am okay with.

So long story short I am going to focus on my writing and no longer stress over all those little things that I just don't see the point in. I thank you to everyone that has helped on my journey and if you ever need anything from me or want to talk about books I'm here. Don't ever be afraid to contact me.

If your a blogger and you want to include my work feel free to contact me and we can have some fun.

Seriously, I needed this moment. I needed to shrug off the nonsense that I have been feeling and remind myself what the whole point of this is.

The point is enjoyment.

I leave you with this little bit of humor I wrote when I was going through my moment of chaos inside my mind earlier:

*Warning*

I am a fly by the seat of my pants author. I write about what I like. I write because I enjoy doing it. I don’t write to conform to what is hip and trendy. There probably will not be no sort of happily ever after in this my books for you. And if there is I am pretty sure it is going to be a very warped version of one.

I make mistakes and errors. If you are looking for perfection you might want to look elsewhere.

There are cuss words in my stories. My characters whine, complain and act like total train wrecks.

I want to make you cry, scream and feel the same things that I feel.

I’m not looking to be on the next warm and fuzzy list. 

If you can handle that my book isn’t going to be a warm cup of tea, I think we can be best friends. But if you are going to cringe if you find some kind of error that maybe just maybe I didn’t discover during all the rounds of works I did on my book by myself I will say now just step away and buy something else.

You have been warned. I won’t be there to dry your eyes and wipe the snot from your nose because somehow my story hurt your feelings. 

Enjoy!!

If you hate it write a review and tell all your friends. If you love it, write a review and tell all your friends. I promise either way my feelings won’t be hurt and I will still be thankful for your support.

A little Sunday Tease.

An undedit peek into a new project I am working on. Enjoy!

“Do you have a curfew?” Hart asked her, referring to her phone.

They held each other’s gaze. She always wanted to win with him. Because he was playful and when he spoke to her it was as if he enjoyed it.

“Maybe not a curfew but a boyfriend,” she informed him. As if he didn’t already know that little insight.

Hart fought back the smirk but failed. It was a telling kind.

“You’re awful,” she told him. She shook her head at him and took another bite of ice cream. “I’m beginning to believe you’re a trouble maker.”

Hart feigned innocence. “I just don’t know what you see in him.”

“And rude, you’re really rude,” she pointed her spoon at him, scolding him playfully. “I’ll have you know I have known him since elementary school.” As if that made it any better.

“Is that a good thing?” Hart surveyed his hand for ice cream or caramel. He balled his napkin and toyed with the paper between his fingers.

“It’s comfortable. It’s something I’ve always known,” she pushed away the dessert. Admitting such a thing seemed pitiful.

“What about you?” She said recovering. She hated when she started to doubt herself because it pushed her back into sadness. “Have you ever been in love?”

Hart’s fingers stopped toying with the napkin. He raised an eyebrow, the idea she was asking him about love was a bit out of the norm for her. “It’s just a feeling like everything else.”

Elle’s phone vibrated. She hit ignore and leaned in. “Of course it’s a feeling. One of the best ones they say.” Than how come she had never felt it she wondered.

Yes she loved Pauly, but it wasn’t that heart stopping love like in the movies. But like many girls she knew and grew up with it didn’t matter. They all were destined to go down the same road as their parent’s. They were going to marry the first boy from high school they felt feelings for. The boy that grew up in the same town, it was all anyone around her ever did. And it made sense, it was safe. It kept things easy and simple.

“I have to disagree.” Hart shook his head. “The best feelings are moments. That moment when you see that girl, you know you’re dying to kiss her, when you’re so fixated on her mouth, that you just want to grab her, to feel it against yours.”

Elle swallowed. Her heart thudded in her chest reminding her just how uncomfortable she had become sitting there with Hart. She didn’t know what to say.

“The first time you touch her it’s better than love,” he leaned back in the booth. “Sorry, you asked. I was just being honest.”

“Maybe it’s so great because that’s what love is. Intense feelings.” She looked away feeling a bit bashful. “Maybe there’s only one person that makes you feel that way when you touch them because you’re in love with them. Maybe that’s how you know you’re in love.”

She wasn’t sure if Hart believed her theory.

“If love was so real people wouldn’t treat each other the way that they do,” he told her. His attention left her as soon as the diner door opened and the bell sounded. 

Sunday Funday Director's note's: Perfectly Hopeless

I stumbled upon a cool blog idea. Letting the reader into my ideas behind chapters or the stories I write. So enjoy this little peek into the world of Maven from Perfectly Hopeless.

Maven is a young girl, heading back to her family's summer home after her very public breakup with her boyfriend, Jake Summit. Like anyone in life she is hurt, still dealing with her old wounds and debating whether or not it's the right thing to be doing.

When I wrote the beginning of Perfectly Hopeless, I imagined Maven, I could feel the dread in her stomach as she got close to her summer home. How vulnerable she felt. 

I wanted to give the reader a quick hello when it came to her family, I like to introduce main characters early on most times that I write.

In Perfectly Hopeless I saw Maven as a sweet, young girl with that simple naive way about her. She knows life isn't perfect, but she wishes it was. She's not much different than any of us in life. Though she may come off a bit prudish and innocent she can handle a lot when she has to.

And what's in store for her ends up being so beautiful, an experience like none she ever had before when she meets Henri. 

I'm not sure, nor have I asked how Henri and Maven come across to readers. But as for me, I wanted the connection to be innocent, simple and sweet. I wanted to take all the complication and paranormal out of most books that I write and just write a story about love.

I was touched emotionally while watching a youtube video, and this is what sparked the idea further for my book. I feel I found that video at the right time, because it took my story idea and painted it beautifully. I won't say what video it is because I feel it gives away the story.

But I will share with you the celebs I had in my mind for the two main characters in my story. If you get a chance to read it, let me know if you feel the same about them.

             

              Maven                                                                                       Henri

Summer time

This would be her summer. She swore it. The summer life would go from devastating to incredible. Maven stared out of the window as her parents gossiped in the front seat about Claudia, their too confident neighbor with more money than the entire town.

She closed her eyes dropping her head back against the leather seat, her golden blonde hair cascading around her shoulders. Maven,  a young woman full of hope. She never went to bed without reflecting on all she wished would happen for her.

Portwood , the setting of their summer home. Every home carefully nestled between giant willow trees. A small town right outside the lake. Maven’s family went every year during the summer. A home full of memories for all of them, a place you sat back and smiled about when you thought about all the good times you experienced. It would always be magical.

 “I wonder if Jake is going to be there,” Nick, her older brother said. Doing his best to tease Maven from her spot in the family car, Nick knew Maven prayed for the opposite. After their messy breakup she didn’t ever want to lay eyes on him again. Jake was a jerk. And the entire family knew it.

“I don’t know and I don’t care.” After the tears she cried over a guy like Jake she meant what she said. And now the family’s annual vacation was sounding less exciting and more torturous to her. She shrank down in her seat as the Portwood welcome sign whizzed by the window.

Mom shot her a sympathetic smile.

“Everyone who is anyone is at Portwood for Summer vaca,” Maggie her younger sister said, tearing off her sunglasses to gain better view of all the younger guys as they carried beach towels and coolers on their way to the lake.

“I don’t think the Maves considers Jake Summit anyone anymore,” Nick smirked. He leaned forward, clamping down on Maven’s shoulder. “If he gives you any trouble you just let me know. I’ll rough him up for you.”

Their mother shot a concerned look in both of their directions. She knew just how Nick’s temper could get sometimes. It wasn’t funny. “Nicky, you remember what we said.”

Nick sighed, letting out the loudest grumble he could muster. “I know, I know. No more money for college if I lay a finger on Summit. That’s what family is for though, Mom.” He ran a hand through his shaggy brown mop of hair giving Maven a secret smirk.

Maven unfastened her seat belt, staring up at the family summer home. A modern two story brick home with white shutters and a huge wraparound porch, lush green grass with the perfect amount of shade and sun.

She refused to let Jake Summit ruin her summer.

Buy Perfectly Hopeless on Amazon

Finally Friday: Back story of Ink

Many people ask, Why did you decide to write Ink? How did you come up with the idea? Where did the characters come from.

Well here is my chance to shine a little light on that.

First of all, I love music. I had been stuck on a certain song.  I don't know, it fit. It was totally the theme song for my book.

I wanted to create a bad boy, I scoured the web for a bad boy name and that was how Slade was born.

I had an addiction to listening to Avenged Sevenfold at the time as well, and M. Shadows made the perfect Slade to emulate for my book. He could sing, he had tattoos and that lip piercing that drives the world wild in Cherry, it just worked.

Of course with every paranormal romance you need that innocent girl, and that is how Hope was born.
She has come a long way. She might not be my favorite character most days, but she keeps me interested enough to have written three books now about her.
Every story I write there will always be a sarcastic jerk or two. Along with some nut job that just makes you scratch your head and wonder what the hell is going on?
I didn't plan on witches, or magic or anything like that to be involved it just happened, but it developed into something wonderful.
Might I add it was my first time writing steamier sex scenes, I have to admit its kind of fun, and I am still learning how to perfect them.

I am not sure how long the Ink series will last, it's like any other thing I write, when it ends it ends. But I don't think it will anytime soon.

Buy Ink on Amazon

Meet the author Monday: Lindy Spencer

Monday has now been changed and dedicated to authors. I being one myself know how great fellow authors are, and it's always nice to share the love. So, I would like to welcome the author, Lindy Spencer to my blog.

Meet the author

Hello, Lindy Spencer here - newly published indie writer with a hyper-busy life!  Between working full-time and taking care of a husband and the dog, I juggle spending time with the kids, grandkids, photography, and writing another book.  Love to spend time in the kitchen - cooking as well as baking - and can't wait until the grands are big enough to assist me.  That will be so much fun!

For years my main focus was family.  When the kids grew up and moved out of the house, it became much quieter around here.  I found there was more time than I knew what to do with, and an idle mind is the perfect playground for a budding writer.  My first novel, The Boomerang Effect, built an entire town as well as the characters in it - some of which left their lives a bit earlier than they'd planned, but hey, that's how a good murder mystery goes, never know who will be standing when the last page flips!

I love to toss photography into the mix every chance I get.  Shooting people in my writing as well as with a Canon gives me plenty of satisfaction.  Photography has been a hobby of mine as long as I can remember.  I carry a camera with me wherever I go; never know when I'm going to run across an old farmhouse that would make a great location for a tense scene, or an old bridge that cries out for a noose on a long rope to be swinging from it.  Murder on the mind all the time, great props are easier to remember if you shoot a picture of them!

Speaking of photography, I've recently concluded another exciting event in my life.  My very first photography exhibit, titled "Oklahoma's Rusted Route 66", was recently on display at the Historic Route 66 Museum in Clinton, Oklahoma.  I have enjoyed riding my motorcycle up and down the historic route for a long time, finding different scenes to memorialize in pictures each time I do, and am honored to have been chosen to be the first photographer to have their work showcased in the newly remodeled museum. 

Currently I am working on my second and third novels, with a couple more ideas circling the brain - I don't know whether its an addiction or if I've finally gone around the bend (my husband believes its the latter) but writing gives me an outlet that is totally mine.  Well, mine until it hits the shelves, then its anybody's story!!

 

1. Tell me a bit about yourself.  About me... the hardest of topics to write about!  I work a full-time job, have a small photography business on the side, take care of my husband and the dog, and I juggle spending time with the kids, grandkids, photography, and writing another book.  Love to spend time in the kitchen - cooking as well as baking - and can't wait until the grands are big enough to assist me.  That will be so much fun!

2. When did you first consider yourself a writer?  When I clicked the button to publish.  I didn't really believe it until then... and it was still kind of a dream until the first sale happened.  I guess that would be when I realized I really was a writer.

3. What inspired you to write your first book?  I read a quote by a favorite author that went something like this: 'If you think of a story you'd like to read and it hasn't been written yet, you are charged with writing it.'  I took that as a challenge and stepped up to the plate when I had my idea for The Boomerang Effect.  I can't say I'm unhappy about it, either!

4. What books have influenced your life most?  Oh, goodness.  That's a good question.  I'm mostly a fiction reader unless its for research, so I don't think there's been a book that influenced my life... entertained, yes.  Influenced, I can't think of one.

5. If you had to choose, which writer would you consider a mentor?  The first writer that comes to mind is J.D. Robb, Nora Roberts' alter ego.  Her writing style flows well and has given me stylistic pointers when I get stuck.  I am a fan of her writing.

6. What book are you reading now?  In Too Deep by Brandy L. Rivers.  I'm really enjoying it and recommend it to anyone who enjoys non-typical vampire/ werewolf stories.

7. What do you like to do when you’re not writing?  Photography is another love of mine.  When I'm not writing, I prefer to have a camera in my hand.  It's turned into a side business as well. 

8. Where do you get your ideas for your books?  Everywhere.  I'm constantly twisting things I see in my everyday life into murder and mayhem. 

9. What new author has grasped your interest?  Brandy L. Rivers makes the top of the list here, as well!  I recently discovered her and have quickly turned into a fan!  Check out her writing style, she makes the story flow and its so easy to read!

10. If you couldn’t be an author, what would your ideal career be?  Great question!  I've always wanted to work with dolphins... that won't happen, of course, as I live in Oklahoma and we're a bit too landlocked for that career choice, but in a perfect world that's where you would find me.

11. What was your favorite chapter to write and why?  The epilogue, absolutely.  I loved bringing the reader to where I was - leaving some questions unanswered and introducing a new situation... right before closing it down.  I can't stop thinking about what happened, and what's going to happen, and I like to think the readers are right there with me!
12. Why do you feel you had to tell this story?  I wanted to read it.  Reading a story you feel compelled to read is much more difficult if it hasn't been written yet.

13. Can you tell us about your upcoming book?  The book I'm currently working on is the sequel to The Boomerang Effect.  I've been bombarded with requests to write it, and if we've learned anything about Lindy, it's that she accepts the challenge!!  I'm currently working on it whenever I have free time, which isn't as often as I would like, but I do expect my fans will be as happy with the story as I am, as it is unfolding itself to me.

14. How do you market your book(s)?  Every way I can think of... I currently have a small shelf in a corner drug store, I have a Facebook page for my fans to visit, and I talk it up to strangers in the checkout line at the store.  I've even waited in a restaurant until a customer I'd never met, who was reading, looked up from her book and I took that opportunity to approach her and ask if she read murder mysteries.  She did, so I gave her a bookmark advertising mine.  Marketing is all about networking and getting your name out there.

15. Do you have any advice for aspiring authors?  The best piece of advice I was given as an aspiring author was DON'T QUIT.  When you think you have reached a block that you can't overcome, push through or set that portion aside for awhile and work on something else.  Your brain will sort it out.  Whatever you do, don't quit!!

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Finally friday

.

It's friday, so I thought for Finally Friday's blog I would share fifteen facts about myself

1.I have a sick obsession with blu rays. I love them, I have to buy them and the funniest part, most times when I do I don't even watch them. I get pleasure out of just looking at them on my shelf....I even have them in alphabetical order.

2. I have four wonderful children. My most recent baby is 4 1/2 months old. Two girls and two boys. And I must say they are incredible.

3. I love boybands. Not the new ones. I am talking the old school NKOTB and Backstreet boys. There is just something about hearing a good song from the 90's that makes my insides tingle and puts me in this mood to dance like nobody is watching.

4. My favorite food may be tuna casserole. I have yet to decide.

5. I have a horrible attention span. I get sidetracked so easily that I have to repeat what I am going to do or I will forget. Adding my fourth child to the mix intensified this even more.

6. I read my own books sometimes and get super weepy and act as if I am reading them for the first time. Sometimes I even look over at my husband and tell him how amazing the story is. (He of course laughs and shakes his head when he finds out its my book. But he never fails to agree and tell me I am the best. Love you, babe :)

7.Maybe deep down there is a little tiny part of me that wants to hear my name come out of Nicholas Spark's mouth. Be it for whatever reason. It could be because I cut in front of him at the grocery store, or how my book inspired him to quit writing. ( I kid, I kid) I love the man and respect everything he does. But seriously, I think if that happened...it would just be that moment where the earth stood still then exploded. A girl can dream.

8.Sometimes I think someone is behind me on the steps and is out to get me. Like an axe murderer. Or maybe one of those asian creepy ghost like in the grudge. I always feel like the one day that I am brave enough to be a badass and not run up the stairs will be the day she gets me. Kind of like that guy with the snacks, he tells his wife how big foot will get them and she doesn't believe him......

9. I hate hugging people goodbye. Its not my inner family (husband and kids) its just everyone else. Hugs are awkward. I'd rather not, it's not that I hate you or don't like you its just not my thing. If I insult you on the way out the door you know I love you. Hugs turn me into a bumbling stumbling weirdo. Maybe blame my mom, I'm not sure.

10. If I became a star, I just want to show up on the Today Show and Ellen. Then I'll be fine to sit at home and let the rest of the world talk about my books on their own. Me and people= Shy Ronnie. If you don't know who that is well......

11. I am impulsive and obsessive. When I get an idea I have to do it, and then two days and 55 pots of coffee later I regret trying to learn how to do a double handed backspring and settle on painting my toenails. Go big or go home, right?

12. I have recently started breastfeeding (go me!) and  I must say now I feel like I have a cure to everything in the world. I feel like I should go around and heal wounds and battle skin conditions on my days off from writing. Just not sure if the old lady down the street would appreciate me squirting her with my breast milk. *shrugs*

13. My mother is the best cook in the world. And I am not joking, she can make anything and it taste good. And I am not afraid to say it to anyone's face. I've yet to meet anyone who can blow my mom's wig off in the kitchen.

14. I have a sister, her name is Tressa. She is pretty amazing. One of the most independent woman I know. She never ever ever gives up, she is so strong and she always finds a way to do everything. The thing that gets on my nerves about her, she doesn't realize just how amazing she is most days!! She is single, but not ready or allowed to mingle (because I said so) so back off people!!

15. Last but not least. I have the best husband, hands down. He is the most amazingly supportive man. He tells it like it is. He isn't afraid to hurt anyone's feelings and he really knows how to support me and make me feel like the greatest girl in the world each and everyday. I don't know how I got so lucky, but if I could just maybe have that same luck on the lotto...wow it would be awesome.

That's all for now. If your new and you enjoyed my blog let me know, we all need a pat on the back some times. Don't be afraid to say hello. If you enjoy my blog and our a fan of reading check out my books, blog, fb, anything you want. I'l even leave the links for you! Thanks!!

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Oh boy!

Thirsty Thursday: Drunk Uncle editon

It's Thursday, the day I do some unedited rants about whatever I like. I hope someone is familiar with the above image. It's drunk uncle and he is great at his drunken rants. So here goes, once a week I will rant, emptying out my mind and soul about whatever I feel like. So enjoy!

Why is writing so easy to sit and daydream about, but when I sit down to actually do it I feel like I'm doing rocket science? How come it all sounds so good in my mind, but when its there on paper I am just confused on what it was I was even trying to say most times?

Names are so hard to come up with, I pick and choose my character's name's like I am naming my real children. Sometimes I just hate my character and no matter what I do I can never be nice to them. That leads to another thing, someone always has to die. If not die in my book someone has to go through hell and back several hundred times.

Why are people so into Vampires? This includes me. I swore I'd never fall for the trend, but its so deliciously evil that I can't take my eyes off of shows like Vampire Diaries and True Blood. 

Some days I sit and try to fathom a world where we didn't love the forbidden so much. And than I come to the realization that it would suck.

Why are some books loved so much and some so little? Why do I find myself pining over a really good read like its going out of style? Am I crazy?

Why do I strive to make people cry when I write?

Is it okay to dream about your book characters as if they were real? Because I did that just a few nights ago and it was so strange yet cool.

Is there even a point to my blog? I wonder who I am really reaching all the time. But even if I didn't reach anyone I would still write it, because I am forever that angst riddled teen that loves curling up and bleeding her emotions all over the pages.

Why does sadness make me feel happy when I write? Is it the reality that feels good? Or is it the rebellion that takes over?

That's all of my mindless rants for now. I have my baby sleeping in my lap and a book to write. Oh! Don't forget to enter the giveaway, I love seeing more and more entries and I love giving away free stuff for all you awesome people!

If you have any rants of your own you would like to share I would love to read them! Have a good night!

Ink Bundle Giveaway!!!!!

Want to read the Ink series? Haven't read the first? Enter the giveaway to get all three in the series! Tell your friends, tell the world, anyone who enjoys a good paranormal romance. Have fun!

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Sunday Sample

I have decided to designate Sunday for excerpts from the books that I am working on. So if your curious about what I am writing here is a sneak peek. Enjoy and always feel free to let me know what you think here on the blog, twitter, Facebook or my new website.

The project I am currently working on is a story about a girl sent to rehab. She is going through a lot and has lost her best friend. Without giving away a bunch I will share that she is the cause of her best friends death. The book is an adult romance. And so far I am really liking where it is going. I hope everyone else does as well.

So here you go:

She stood in front of him her heart pounding in her chest. She didn't know why the thought of touching him was making her so tense, but it was.

“I can’t promise anything. And you can’t sue me,” she said, staring at his dark head of hair. The kind of hair that belonged to someone famous, the kind of hair you slipped your fingers through and tugged here and there.

She dropped her spray bottle.

“Somebody’s clumsy today,” Hart said a big grin on his face. His dark eyebrows rose in amusement, he kept his eyes on her as she tried to convince herself to touch him.

“I’m fine. Let’s get this over with.” She came a bit closer, he smelled amazing. And the way he was staring at her with those eyes, those brilliant eyes of blue, rimmed with dark lashes.

She ran her fingers through the front of his hair, brushing it back on his head. “What do you want?”

Hart was silent.

Elle tilted her head to the side. “Hello?”

“Sorry.” He blinked. “Do whatever you want to me. I’m sure you’ll make me look great.”

Elle bit her lip, spraying him with the spray bottle. She started to work, combing and cutting. Trying to remember everything that she had learned in hopes she didn't butcher him.

“Got any plans tonight?” Hart asked, he stayed still, letting her try her best. 

“I plan on going home and eating some of my mom’s famous spaghetti and meatballs and then probably going to bed,” she told him. She spun the chair.

“Sounds like a blast,” he said. “You’re never going to give in are you?”

“Probably not.” She looked over his hair, taking him by the chin to turn him the way she needed to get a better look. The scruff on his chin tickled her finger tips, his teeth grazed his bottom lip drawing her eyes to his mouth. He had an amazing set of lips.

“For once just be honest. Am I just not the kind of person you want to be associated with? Is it the rehab thing?” he asked.

Elle shook her head quickly. “No. Hart, it has nothing to do with that, it’s just me. I can’t hang out with you. It’s not a good idea.”

She was with Pauly and in a bad place in her life. She wasn't the girl to be anyone’s friend. She had a hard time being friends with the ones in her life already.

He wasn't saying anything. And now she felt even worse.

“Alright, I’ll be honest. I’m not doing okay. I've never been okay and all I want to do is make it through without another emotional breakdown. I can’t add anything to my life because I’m afraid it will crumble. And the idea of going back to that place I was in scares the shit out of me,” she said.

She dropped her scissors and comb on her station. “Anyways, I think you’re good to go.”

Hart took the mirror she was offering, but didn't look in it. “Looks great.”

“You didn't even look,” she said.

“I don’t care about my hair.”

She rolled her eyes undoing the collar of the cape. “Don’t do that, don’t worry about me. You did the same thing a long time ago.”

“Someone needs to worry about you. One time, just come hang out with me. And after that I’ll leave you alone,” he said. “If I make your life worse than it already is I’ll never bother you again.”

“Why are you so insistent on doing this?” She shook her head. “I’m a mess; you know this better than anyone.”

“So am I,” he insisted. “One time, come be a mess with me.”

“Fine,” she tossed the cape on her station. “One time. You’ll see how much of a mess I am and you’ll quickly go running for the hills.”

She hoped she didn't regret the choice she made. Because making choices was the hardest thing anymore.

Have a great Sunday!!

Summer time

Its summer...a time for fun, sun and letting your hair down. So far, summer has been fabulous for me. I have already swam a couple times, actually plan on swimming today again. I have been thinking about my writing and how its came to a complete stall. I hope to get it rolling again, but it seems hard to jump back in. I have stories to finish and stories to start. Its hard sometimes, things have been busy.

My question to everyone is what books are you looking forward to reading this summer? Or what books are you currently reading?

My news

Hello again. It has been some time since I updated. I have been busy following the zombies..(not really, but have you seen that on the news?! *shudders*)

Today I have some news I want to share. We recently found out that I am expecting, this will be our fourth child. I found out on my husband's birthday (what a gift) and I am very happy. Its a bit new still, it has been a while since I have been pregnant. My youngest is turning six this month.

I think I always knew I wanted a fourth child. I knew deep down that I did and I think that is why we held off on stopping our chances, because once you tie your tubes or get a vasectomy you pretty much are done.

So that's my news, I am having another baby and I couldn't be happier.

What do I hope for you might be asking... I would like to have another boy, but I will take whatever God gives me. I think in my mind I see a boy so the idea of a girl isn't even factoring in lol I have always enjoyed pregnancy, mine were great experiences. This one has already proven a little tougher with my moods. But now those are under control and I am feel like myself again and I couldn't be happier.

What about writing??!?!?

On the book writing front, that has came to a screeching halt since beginning of April. But I hope to get back into gear. I re-released Gypsies, and I think its better than it was before the rewrite. I hope everyone enjoys it.

I plan on finishing Ink 2 up this summer. I read some chapter the other day and I was excited about it. I can't wait to release it to all the Ink fans in August. I wonder how everyone will feel about Ink 2. I myself think its going to be great.

And to end this I will leave everyone with a sneak peek into Ink 2, enjoy! :  

Summer had begun. I came to a stop in front of the beach house. Glad to be home and done with school for the summer. A lot had changed in a year. I enrolled in Ashwilder’s big sister school, Asu. I had Nona to thank for that. If not for her I would have never afforded such a place. College proved hard, but I loved every second of it. Although I had to admit I loved being home even better.

Dad hurried down the porch steps. “There’s my girl. Welcome home, Hope.” He wrapped his arms around me tightly, not letting me get a breath in. I kissed his cheek before I had to pry his arms off of me.

“Missed you guys too, where are Elliot and Easton?” I searched the beach, the house, anywhere they could possibly be. I knew the answer before Dad even said it.

“Well you know how teenage boys are when they discover girls,” Dad told me. He took my duffel bag. “I barely see anyone anymore. It’s nice that your back.”

I followed on his heels up the steps. Noticing the new paintjob, Dad had a lot of time on his hands now. I wasn’t there to keep him busy and help him out anymore. It took a couple months to accept that I couldn’t be superman. That he had to learn to survive without me, but I did, and looking at him now I knew that everything worked out just fine.

Dad touched my hair. “New hairdo?” He smirked.

I ran a hand through my longer style. “It’s trendy. All the girls on campus do chic.”

Dad nodded, totally out of the loop and not caring in the least, as long as I was happy he was. “So what are the plans?”

I opened the refrigerator, scrunching my nose at the lack of food. “Getting you some groceries.” Dad shook his head, refusing to give in and admit he would be lost without me. When he disappeared into the living room I raised a single finger at my palm, concentrating hard.

“What’s that?” Dad asked, returning with a pile of mail. He handed it over.

“Pudding cup,” I said, shaking the chocolate pudding at him. He gave me an odd expression.

“That’s odd. I didn’t even know we had pudding.” He opened the refrigerator taking another look inside. I smirked.

Anxiety

I wanted to take a moment to talk about my anxiety. Ever since I can remember I have been the kind of person who worries about everything. I worry about things that don't need to be worried about, I over worry, I have always been highly nervous since as far back as kindergarten. I had all the issues, stomach aches, obsessive thoughts, fear of impending doom.
I remember as a kid worrying about dying, worrying that I was doing wrong. Worrying about God, about sins, about everything. It exhaust me to think about how much of my life has been spent worrying.
It makes me sad to think my whole life I have had this inner voice making me feel bad and antsy about everything in life. I am not a bad person, so why do I have to be this way? I think part of the problem is growing up with a family that was the same way, I became used to it and the bad turned into normal behaivor versus abnormal. When your constantly surrounded by negative, you soon see it as the way your life is. I am talking about negative thinking, being down on yourself, being your worst enemy. Maybe I never had a chance to have a bright outlook on who I was.
I learned to deal with it, I learned to accept that I am down on myself, that I have this low self esteem and just go through life uncomfortable and sometimes miserable because I am so comfortable being that way.
 I remember times when I felt guilty over nothing at all as a kid, I don't know why or where that came frome exactly but as a kid I always felt bad. Its sad and as I type this it makes me want to cry, it makes me want too cry because I was a kid and I shouldn't have had to feel so guilty or sad so much in my life. Seeing your inner feelings in black and white is tough. But I think for 28 years I have done pretty well.
Anyways, being a woman offers another issue that can take over your emotions--hormones--they can toy with your anxiety as well. And for weeks now I have been battling with severe anxiety that has left me miserable for the most part.
I've read a book recently by Vinny from Jersey Shore, Control the crazy, it was a relief to read someone else's thoughts that felt a lot like mine. And I must say it put me in a better place.
I'm not writing this blog to say I am miserable. I have to much in life to let this take me down. I just want to say that I am like many other people in the world with anxiety. I have the inner voice that mess with me. We all do, some of us are just not strong enough-or have the tools-to deal with it.
If your battling anxiety I would love to hear about it. If you feel alone, know that your not. Just breathe and try to separate yourself from the crazy.
My outlet and way to express myself has always been through writing. Its such a freeing thing. And probably why I have written so many books. I like creating worlds where life can be any way I want it. Its always been my favorite thing to do. And I am glad I got back into writing, because I don't know where I would be without it.

We all should marry a vampire.

Why are we drawn to the dark side? Why do we love books so much?

How many of us in real life would want our boyfriend slipping through our window in the middle of the night like Edward Cullen? How many of us wish we were Bella Swan or Elena Gilbert?

How many girls would really like to know that their boyfriend is running around feasting on the blood of humans? Or that they would prefer to rip us limb to limb then love us.

Why is Eric Northman such a hot commodity in True Blood that he makes you want to lose all sense of reality and throw caution to the wind?

Being a writer of paranormal romance and young adult books I get it. I also read both genre 99% of the time.

I am afraid of the unknown in my real life, but to read about it, well, it’s almost soothing and exciting.

There’s Edward Cullen, Damon Salvatore, Bill Compton, and those are just the angry brooding vampires. But be it through reading the stories or watching the TV shows and movies you can’t help falling in love.

I mean admit it; would we even care if they were sweet and nice and doing all the right things? No.

With so much going on in the lives of woman my age it’s easy to lose yourself in a good story about the paranormal. About vampires or fallen angels and for me it’s because it’s my internal vacation from so many things in the world that just suck some times.

Reading a story where I can run away from all my worries and have a thrill, grow a crush and when I close the book or shut off my kindle everything in my own world is still intact and right where I left it, that is comforting.

Maybe some of us don’t think we will ever have anything exciting to talk about or live through. Some of us might even be too afraid to admit we want that. Whatever the reason may be we deserve to have enjoyment on the day to day.

Fictional characters are that cupcake we can’t eat because we are watching our calories. They are that wild night on the town where we danced until our feet blistered—only we never did because secretly we are too shy to do so. They say and speak the words we only wished we were brave enough to speak ourselves.

It might be fiction, but there is a lot about reading a good book with a dark character that speaks the truth.

In books unlike real life the kid that gets bullied could be the coolest kid out there. You see that people know how to be kind to one another; you see that people know how to have fun; you see that not everything is as bad as we think in books.

What could be better than that?