A little Sunday Tease.

An undedit peek into a new project I am working on. Enjoy!

“Do you have a curfew?” Hart asked her, referring to her phone.

They held each other’s gaze. She always wanted to win with him. Because he was playful and when he spoke to her it was as if he enjoyed it.

“Maybe not a curfew but a boyfriend,” she informed him. As if he didn’t already know that little insight.

Hart fought back the smirk but failed. It was a telling kind.

“You’re awful,” she told him. She shook her head at him and took another bite of ice cream. “I’m beginning to believe you’re a trouble maker.”

Hart feigned innocence. “I just don’t know what you see in him.”

“And rude, you’re really rude,” she pointed her spoon at him, scolding him playfully. “I’ll have you know I have known him since elementary school.” As if that made it any better.

“Is that a good thing?” Hart surveyed his hand for ice cream or caramel. He balled his napkin and toyed with the paper between his fingers.

“It’s comfortable. It’s something I’ve always known,” she pushed away the dessert. Admitting such a thing seemed pitiful.

“What about you?” She said recovering. She hated when she started to doubt herself because it pushed her back into sadness. “Have you ever been in love?”

Hart’s fingers stopped toying with the napkin. He raised an eyebrow, the idea she was asking him about love was a bit out of the norm for her. “It’s just a feeling like everything else.”

Elle’s phone vibrated. She hit ignore and leaned in. “Of course it’s a feeling. One of the best ones they say.” Than how come she had never felt it she wondered.

Yes she loved Pauly, but it wasn’t that heart stopping love like in the movies. But like many girls she knew and grew up with it didn’t matter. They all were destined to go down the same road as their parent’s. They were going to marry the first boy from high school they felt feelings for. The boy that grew up in the same town, it was all anyone around her ever did. And it made sense, it was safe. It kept things easy and simple.

“I have to disagree.” Hart shook his head. “The best feelings are moments. That moment when you see that girl, you know you’re dying to kiss her, when you’re so fixated on her mouth, that you just want to grab her, to feel it against yours.”

Elle swallowed. Her heart thudded in her chest reminding her just how uncomfortable she had become sitting there with Hart. She didn’t know what to say.

“The first time you touch her it’s better than love,” he leaned back in the booth. “Sorry, you asked. I was just being honest.”

“Maybe it’s so great because that’s what love is. Intense feelings.” She looked away feeling a bit bashful. “Maybe there’s only one person that makes you feel that way when you touch them because you’re in love with them. Maybe that’s how you know you’re in love.”

She wasn’t sure if Hart believed her theory.

“If love was so real people wouldn’t treat each other the way that they do,” he told her. His attention left her as soon as the diner door opened and the bell sounded. 

Anxiety

I wanted to take a moment to talk about my anxiety. Ever since I can remember I have been the kind of person who worries about everything. I worry about things that don't need to be worried about, I over worry, I have always been highly nervous since as far back as kindergarten. I had all the issues, stomach aches, obsessive thoughts, fear of impending doom.
I remember as a kid worrying about dying, worrying that I was doing wrong. Worrying about God, about sins, about everything. It exhaust me to think about how much of my life has been spent worrying.
It makes me sad to think my whole life I have had this inner voice making me feel bad and antsy about everything in life. I am not a bad person, so why do I have to be this way? I think part of the problem is growing up with a family that was the same way, I became used to it and the bad turned into normal behaivor versus abnormal. When your constantly surrounded by negative, you soon see it as the way your life is. I am talking about negative thinking, being down on yourself, being your worst enemy. Maybe I never had a chance to have a bright outlook on who I was.
I learned to deal with it, I learned to accept that I am down on myself, that I have this low self esteem and just go through life uncomfortable and sometimes miserable because I am so comfortable being that way.
 I remember times when I felt guilty over nothing at all as a kid, I don't know why or where that came frome exactly but as a kid I always felt bad. Its sad and as I type this it makes me want to cry, it makes me want too cry because I was a kid and I shouldn't have had to feel so guilty or sad so much in my life. Seeing your inner feelings in black and white is tough. But I think for 28 years I have done pretty well.
Anyways, being a woman offers another issue that can take over your emotions--hormones--they can toy with your anxiety as well. And for weeks now I have been battling with severe anxiety that has left me miserable for the most part.
I've read a book recently by Vinny from Jersey Shore, Control the crazy, it was a relief to read someone else's thoughts that felt a lot like mine. And I must say it put me in a better place.
I'm not writing this blog to say I am miserable. I have to much in life to let this take me down. I just want to say that I am like many other people in the world with anxiety. I have the inner voice that mess with me. We all do, some of us are just not strong enough-or have the tools-to deal with it.
If your battling anxiety I would love to hear about it. If you feel alone, know that your not. Just breathe and try to separate yourself from the crazy.
My outlet and way to express myself has always been through writing. Its such a freeing thing. And probably why I have written so many books. I like creating worlds where life can be any way I want it. Its always been my favorite thing to do. And I am glad I got back into writing, because I don't know where I would be without it.