Maybe this is a goodbye. Maybe it's a nervous breakdown. Maybe it's global warming.

Sitting here drinking a blue gatorade and listening to All American Rejects.
I hate that I lack the ability to feel more positive about my writing journey, I hate that I feel down once a month about all the things that I am doing wrong. I don't know, it's defeating to do stuff and feel like it doesn't get you anywhere.
Do I want something big to happen? Am I just doing this for fun? What do I want? *shakes head* I don't know and that's what is making me crazy.
I know I enjoy writing, but now I feel like the enjoyment gets sucked out of it when I doubt myself.
I doubt myself for stupid reasons and for valid ones.
It makes me crazy. A little sad and a bit agitated.
And now I am sitting here forcing myself to imagine what life would be like if I just stopped writing altogether....
*sigh* Maybe this is the sign that the fun has been sucked out of it. If I can't even figure out why I feel that way or what to do about it maybe I need to step away.

Just a thought.

 I don't like to complain or talk about drama.

I'll be honest I'm sad. I have been for weeks now. I make it through the day, I still have so much to be happy about but I am also very sad. I wonder if it will ever change.

I miss her. I miss so much about her. And every day I find myself searching for signs that she is around. I feel like I see them everywhere and to me it feels silly yet so amazing. I feel this connection, I feel her.

Loss is a hard pill to swallow that's for sure. Even harder when the loss is someone who was so beautiful inside and out. I miss talking to her. I miss hearing her voice. I miss everything.

I worry about everyone around me and how they are doing. I don't know what to say or how to maybe even for a moment put a smile on their faces. I'm not good with this stuff.

I'm stronger, I think we all are in ways. And now all I want is to make her happy and be strong just like she always was.

Saturday Surprise!

Saturday Sneak Peek


My eyes opened as soon as I heard him come through the door. He was home, but I quickly shut them and stayed warm nestled underneath Moms knitted Afghan. Dad set his keys down on the dining room table and settled into his favorite spot.
“Good your home,” Austin said from the recliner. He always woke up when Dad was getting home from a late shift. I swore any other time he slept like a rock.
Dad wasn’t one to discuss his career with me. I was a girl, I was extra sensitive to the ways of the world, as he put it. Austin was a grown man. He could handle hearing about all the gore.
“John Moore’s fixing that old barn finally, I hear he’s buying more horses,” Dad said.
“What happened out there?” Austin asked, if Dad was at the Moore’s it meant one of two things. John was dead or someone nearby was.
Dad was silent for a couple seconds. I opened my eyes just the slightest. Dad stroked the stubble on his chin. His sleek fingers came to a stop right before he began talking.
“It was the weirdest thing. We got out to the address, it was the house across the street from the Moore’s. The only thing I noticed was blood and a broken window.” Dad grabbed for the remote.
I squeezed my eyes shut staying still. No body. That was unheard of. I wondered what Dad thought about it.
“What about the neighbors,” Austin asked. “You guys are by the book. You had to have gone door to door to figure it out right?”
Dad cleared his throat. “Of course, but at any rate, it made my night shorter. Another dead body would have kept me up for days trying to find the suspect behind it.”
I scratched my nose, unable to keep still any longer.
“What are you doing listening?” Dad snapped. I sat up, snagging my pillow off the couch. I rolled my eyes heading for the stairs.
“I wouldn’t have to eavesdrop if you ever told me anything about what goes on around here,” I grumbled.
“Raven, some things are better left unknown. What good would it do for you to know how ugly this world is?” Dad asked. He said the same thing every time I tried to be included in his life.
“Being naïve gets a girl nowhere either. It gets them in trouble. That's what Mom used to say,” I stuck out my chin, giving dad a good stare and headed for the stairs.
I hit the light and crawled under the covers, staring at the moon as it beamed through my curtains, illuminating everything in its path. I loved the soft glow it made. It reminded me when I was little, when my Mom and I would sit on the porch and watch the fireflies at night. Her soft hair always tickled my shoulders when she hugged me. She smelled like flowers and cinnamon. It was the only memory I really had of her.
Mom was always trying to instill wisdom in me even when I was a little girl. Even before some of the rules applied, before I even knew any of it would mean anything to me. Now it all meant something.
I closed my eyes; the soft sounds outside easily lulled me to sleep.

Enjoy the weekend!

Trayvon Martin

I usually do not jump into big news stories like this. But this has disturbed me. On my Facebook someone posted a youtube 911 call about this boy. And it was heartbreaking. If anyone is sensitive to this kind of stuff then don't click on the link, but if you want to get a glimpse at what kind of senseless things happen in the world then do so.

He was a kid, someone's son. And from what I understand a man shot him because he was walking in a neighborhood. They said he had no weapons, just skittles and a drink. And that the man called and reported him to the police. Here is one of the articles.

The part that breaks my heart is the fact you can hear this boy on the 911 call screaming "No" and "Help" time and time again. The woman on the phone its obvious is scared to death to do anything more then call 911 to help him. But sadly that was to late and he was shot and killed.

I can't imagine, I can't even form words to get my point across of how horrible it is.

I guess what I just want to say is my prayers are with Trayvon Martin's family because nobody deserves to lose a loved one. Especially if they have done nothing wrong and for something so senseless.

This man who shot him could have allowed the police to do their job and this kid would still be alive. And now a mother and family is without him.

I don't know why this Zimmerman felt it right to shoot a kid, they say he said self defense, but listening to that 911 call I think that is just a lie and seeing this is my blog I will just say I think Zimmerman is a monster. And anyone who doesn't agree with me, that's okay. Maybe you should listen to this 911 call and try to make another excuse on why this kid deserved to be shot. Or maybe you should put yourself in the shoes of the family and victim. Because all I feel right now is sadness.

Its obvious I did not say one thing about race here. And that's simple, I wouldn't care more or less because of the color of this kids skin. I care because he was a kid, a person, a human. And the other person was wrong for doing what he did.

Ellen Degeneres always tells us to be kind to one another, but it doesn't seem many people in the world are doing such a simple thing.

And lastly if you want to make a change. You can go to Change.org and sign the petition to help this family. And get some justice for Trayvon Martin.