Chapter 1
Guilt.
It plagued her. She swam in the nauseating guilt of her
life-- all day, every day.
She dropped her head inside the toilet bowl, she wished she
could keep it all in because it helped solve her newest problem. It outdid any
problem from before.
And there were a lot
of them.
As she listened to her family on the other side of her
bedroom door she wished they would just go away and leave her alone. Let her
succumb to her mistakes. It would make things easier for so many people.
One more knock before a loud racket. They broke the door down.
“Elle, we have to go now. They’re waiting,” Elle’s mother said.
It pained her to see her daughter like
this. She couldn’t stomach it. Every time she looked at her it took her back to
when she was a little girl with the most incredible smile, a laugh that never went
away and so much energy.
This wasn’t her daughter. She was just the shell of what
once was.
“I’m not going,” Elle said, covering her face, she dropped
her head against her arm and closed her eyes and started to cry. Just in time
for her brother, Nick, to come into the room.
He was older. He cared about her, but it hurt to see someone
he was so close to fall apart. He didn’t know how to help her anymore. But he wanted
to say goodbye.
He dropped to one knee and pulled her tangled hair from the
toilet water. She reeked of booze. Her skin was cold and clammy and she looked like
death.
He patted her on the
arm. “Elle, come on. Let me help you to the car.”
She sobbed even louder when he brought her to her feet.
The family helped Elle down the stairs, through the hallway
of their upper-class home, and down the porch steps. Her parents kept their
eyes glued to the yellow cab outside their house that waited for Elle, they
refused to look at the neighbors as they judged her and made snide comments.
Nick raised his head high, he refused to break under so much
pressure. He glared at Mr. Hopkins as he sprayed his rose bushes. He held back
the urge to flip him the bird, or break something-- instead he squeezed Elle’s
hand before she climbed into the backseat, her sobs hurt his ears as she begged
them to let her die.
Elle groaned as her mother hoisted her upright, and buckled
her seat belt for her. She smoothed her hair and placed a soft kiss on her
temple.
“I love you, Elle,” she whispered.
Elle didn’t answer. She didn’t have it in her. If she loved
her she wouldn’t let her go this way. She would let her go the way she wanted.
Her mother wiped her tears, and did her best to keep it
together in front of the neighbors.
Her daughter made quite the mess. She knew how they felt.
She sometimes felt the same.
Elle‘s bad choices took her away from them. And no one knew
where to find her. She was captive-- a prisoner in her own skin; she clung to
her sanity the one way she knew how. She closed her eyes when Nick pulled her
in for a hug, and let him squeeze her tight.
They just wanted her back, the girl who used to laugh.
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