Saturday, January 11, 2014

I need to begin again

I realized something a couple of hours ago. I realized that I don't like the way that I have forgot to be me. And I will say before anyone who reads this starts to read this I do not apologize if anything you read is offensive. I am tired of worrying and censoring who I am.

First off, this isn't anything other than me being able to just vent. It's my blog I think this is the best place to do that.

I was sitting here today stressing out about the key to success. I guess that's what you could call it. I will be the first to admit that I have been chasing down this dream of author glory. I will admit I have always wanted to be the next Nicholas Sparks. I wanted to be loved by all and have people clutching my books to their chest and just loving me because I write such awesome stories. I wanted to roll in dough and appear on the today show.....but you know what?.....I realized one really big thing, that is not who I am. That is not the reason I am doing this.

Honestly I am exhausted trying to chase after blogs and reviews and people to like me. I don't care if everyone likes me as an author. I appreciate more the truly genuine ones that enjoy my work and let me know. I appreciate the ones who hate my work and let me know. I don't want to be like anyone but myself. I'm not looking to write some cute romance novel (unless of course I want to.) I just write what feels good at the time.

I have spent years chasing after what it is I need to do to become successful at this. And you know what? I have had my moments of success, they might not be as big as some people's but who the hell cares it still felt good. I am tired of waking up and spending the entire day trying to climb this huge fucking mountain to nowhere quite honestly when I could be writing.

I love bloggers, I love readers, I love authors. But I'm not the kind of person who wants a set schedule of all this torturous work to do what I love. All I want to do is write. I don't want to break my back in hopes of one day maybe just maybe something will happen. What happened to doing what you love and reaping the rewards of just that?

I have tried and got no where. I have done nothing and got everywhere. And I still don't know the key to my successes or failures. I try to be nice, I try to be honest I try to be so many things when all the while I just need to go back to putting my fingers to the keys and writing.

And while I am here I will be the first one to say my books aren't perfect. And you know what? I don't care, I would care if I didn't try to make them the best they could be. If I just threw some words together and sold them. But that is not what I do, I bust my ass,I bleed on the page, I read over my work, I edit my work, I scour the internet and books to learn as much as I can about making the best product that I can make for the reader. So if the grammar isn't up to standard, well I am sorry, I don't have a gigantic team behind me. I don't have buddies and pals there to lend me a hand. It's just me and my computer and my chaotic crazy house full of kids most day and a husband who stands behind me and tells me I rock no matter what. (Thanks for that, meatloaf)

What I am saying is, if you read my work and it's not to your standard I apologize I really do but I know there are people out there who love me for me. *raises eyebrow* they hug my books to their chest and read them and love them and they contact me and they interact with me and they fucking rock!!

I love all of you willing to take a chance on my work. I don't sit at home at night when I get a bad review and ponder why I do this. I know why, nothing will ever change that. But frankly I am done worrying about the what ifs in my journey. I am going back to the days when I wrote and published and didn't care about all this crud that somehow got in the way of the reason I write. When I didn't care that's when everything worked for me.

As for the people who really do care about my journey I thank you for always being a part of it. I am not trying to disrespect anyone. I simply need to say how I feel before I blow up. You don't understand how light and lifted I feel realizing that I am no longer going to worry about any of this crap.

I am happy for all the other authors out there that have such great success! But honestly I probably will never be in your position and I am okay with that. Whatever is in the cards for me I am okay with.

So long story short I am going to focus on my writing and no longer stress over all those little things that I just don't see the point in. I thank you to everyone that has helped on my journey and if you ever need anything from me or want to talk about books I'm here. Don't ever be afraid to contact me.

If your a blogger and you want to include my work feel free to contact me and we can have some fun.

Seriously, I needed this moment. I needed to shrug off the nonsense that I have been feeling and remind myself what the whole point of this is.

The point is enjoyment.

I leave you with this little bit of humor I wrote when I was going through my moment of chaos inside my mind earlier:


I am a fly by the seat of my pants author. I write about what I like. I write because I enjoy doing it. I don’t write to conform to what is hip and trendy. There probably will not be no sort of happily ever after in this my books for you. And if there is I am pretty sure it is going to be a very warped version of one.
I make mistakes and errors. If you are looking for perfection you might want to look elsewhere.
There are cuss words in my stories. My characters whine, complain and act like total train wrecks.
I want to make you cry, scream and feel the same things that I feel.
I’m not looking to be on the next warm and fuzzy list. 
If you can handle that my book isn’t going to be a warm cup of tea, I think we can be best friends. But if you are going to cringe if you find some kind of error that maybe just maybe I didn’t discover during all the rounds of works I did on my book by myself I will say now just step away and buy something else.
You have been warned. I won’t be there to dry your eyes and wipe the snot from your nose because somehow my story hurt your feelings. 

If you hate it write a review and tell all your friends. If you love it, write a review and tell all your friends. I promise either way my feelings won’t be hurt and I will still be thankful for your support.


  1. Good for you! I promise you that I, and I am sure a lot of others, have and do feel the same way. The dream is to be recognized in the biggest way imaginable. The reality is that most of us never will be. It the luck of the draw and whatever formulas and methods to climbing the ladder of success you find posted to the internet are all just a pile of bullshit. It all comes down to hard work and luck, but first you have to start with the basics- a good book. If you don't have that, then you have nothing. Somewhere along the way, I think we all tend to lose a but of our focus and that's when the writing suffers. You should always write for you, not the next big thing. Your audience will find you. You shouldn't have to go hunting for it. Does that mean you should stop pushing for success? No way! I am a firm believer that when you command more of yourself you get better results, you become stronger, and in this case your writing becomes stronger. You should always set the bar a little higher than yesterday, but you also shouldn't wreck yourself over it. Find your balance and you will do great things, and great things will happen to you :)

    1. I agree and I am okay to admit that my bar and so many others are way different. I was hanging from a bar that I couldn't even do one chin up on! *grins* I am okay with my way and I forgot that. When I try to be something I am not that's when I become unhappy because that isn't who I am. I can only do what I do not anyone else. I can't get angry and upset when I don't know why one thing works and one things doesn't,. I had the key, it was doing it my fucking way lmao I just lost the key on a night of binge drinking on what ifs and daydreams. I found it, the same place I found myself--in the gutter rocking myself back and forth wishing someone would just let me write like I used to haha