Monday, April 23, 2012


I wanted to take a moment to talk about my anxiety. Ever since I can remember I have been the kind of person who worries about everything. I worry about things that don't need to be worried about, I over worry, I have always been highly nervous since as far back as kindergarten. I had all the issues, stomach aches, obsessive thoughts, fear of impending doom.
I remember as a kid worrying about dying, worrying that I was doing wrong. Worrying about God, about sins, about everything. It exhaust me to think about how much of my life has been spent worrying.
It makes me sad to think my whole life I have had this inner voice making me feel bad and antsy about everything in life. I am not a bad person, so why do I have to be this way? I think part of the problem is growing up with a family that was the same way, I became used to it and the bad turned into normal behaivor versus abnormal. When your constantly surrounded by negative, you soon see it as the way your life is. I am talking about negative thinking, being down on yourself, being your worst enemy. Maybe I never had a chance to have a bright outlook on who I was.
I learned to deal with it, I learned to accept that I am down on myself, that I have this low self esteem and just go through life uncomfortable and sometimes miserable because I am so comfortable being that way.
 I remember times when I felt guilty over nothing at all as a kid, I don't know why or where that came frome exactly but as a kid I always felt bad. Its sad and as I type this it makes me want to cry, it makes me want too cry because I was a kid and I shouldn't have had to feel so guilty or sad so much in my life. Seeing your inner feelings in black and white is tough. But I think for 28 years I have done pretty well.
Anyways, being a woman offers another issue that can take over your emotions--hormones--they can toy with your anxiety as well. And for weeks now I have been battling with severe anxiety that has left me miserable for the most part.
I've read a book recently by Vinny from Jersey Shore, Control the crazy, it was a relief to read someone else's thoughts that felt a lot like mine. And I must say it put me in a better place.
I'm not writing this blog to say I am miserable. I have to much in life to let this take me down. I just want to say that I am like many other people in the world with anxiety. I have the inner voice that mess with me. We all do, some of us are just not strong enough-or have the tools-to deal with it.
If your battling anxiety I would love to hear about it. If you feel alone, know that your not. Just breathe and try to separate yourself from the crazy.
My outlet and way to express myself has always been through writing. Its such a freeing thing. And probably why I have written so many books. I like creating worlds where life can be any way I want it. Its always been my favorite thing to do. And I am glad I got back into writing, because I don't know where I would be without it.

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